First day of detox

According to the internet, Chlordiazepoxide (sometimes called Librium), is a sedative/hypnotic drug and benzodiazepine derivative. The drug has amnestic, anxiolytic, hypnotic and skeletal muscle relaxant properties.

Chlordiazepoxide is used in the treatment of alcoholism for its sedating and anxiety-relieving effects, which help relieve the symptoms of acute alcohol withdrawal.

I'm treating this like my new job. I cycled down Regents Canal to the clinic in the morning; had my blood pressure, temperature and state-of-mind monitored (the latter through a tick-box form) and gave a breathalyser test (it has to be zero each morning for me to continue). I was then administered 20mg of Chlordiazepoxide, with 80mg more to take over the next 24 hours. This is to continue for five days and I am to take it easy, eat good food, plenty of liquids and not operate heavy machinery.

But cycling back - in a good, hopeful mood - the spring sunshine glinting off the water, I passed the pub where I often used to stop for a quick, lone drink on my way home from work to my (ex) boyfriend. And the idea flashed through me that the best way to celebrate this fresh start would be with a drink. WHAT WHAT WHAT?

I remember, the morning after I had been violently attacked - partly due to my extreme drunkeness - having a cigarette outside of the hospital, seeing a pub across the road and thinking a pint would go down well. It's madness, a kind of insanity I know.

Despite everything. Despite the fact that I have given up my job to undergo this programme and sort out my alcohol problem, despite all the pain the my drinking has caused me, all that I have lost and all that I stand to gain through quitting - the thought of and desire for a drink still comes through me regularly regularly like an electric shock: When I hear a good song, or the sun comes out, or I feel angry, or I want to phone someone and tell them something nice - or when I feel like writing. Alcohol is so intertwined in nearly every area of my life and this is why it will take some time to untangle, to be re-programmed.

It is not going to be easy and I don't know if I will ever be free of that impulse. If I ever could be, that would be a truly amazing day. I've had so many messages of good luck from friends over the last couple of days, I am a bit overwhelmed. So many people are willing me to get though this and I am hoping with all my heart that I can.