Day 24: All the elements we must conquer

I'm not going to write much today because I'm so tired. I just had a Doctors appointment and asked him if it could be the Campral wiping me out but he said (and I already knew this really) that it's much more likely to be simply the effort of the rehab programme and well as my body adjusting to life without booze (plus the daily hour-cycle, Infinite Jest reading, blogging, eating etc It's so hard being me).

Before I vent, I'll mention that I was much less frustrated with everyone today. We went though a couple of gruelling group sessions - with the focus on one person in each - but came out having made some breakthroughs and laughing and hopeful about our collective sober futures...

But the therapy keeps reminding me of two things. Firstly this passage from Zoë Heller's brilliant Notes on a Scandal (from the perspective of the bitter, reactionary, wise narrator):

"It's always fascinating to hear bleeding hearts give their soppy rationalizations for delinquency. As far as I can tell, teachers have been congratulating Sheba and Richard for years on having a daughter who is full of grit and spunk, and whatever else it is that modern little girls are meant to be made of. Then, the minute Polly is found guilty of anti-social behaviour, they're falling over themselves to say her toughness is merely bravado. Polly is 'vulnerable', they say. She is 'anxious'. Well, excuse me - everyone is anxious. The fact that Polly administers Chinese burns to twelve-year-olds in order to get them to surrender their Mars Bars isn't a 'behaviour'. It's a mark of her character, for goodness' sake."

Secondly, the Forer effect.

But the fact is that these "bleeding heart" (and I normally count myself one of these) strategies do seem to be working. I know I should discard some of my tough skepticism and just 'trust in the programme', but this is not going to happen easily. I don't think I do faith.



INFINITE JEST: Pages 230-252
- Joelle van Dyke suicide. DFW seems to specialise in intricately written scenes culminating in a virtuoso-controlled death (perhaps his own life is the Mothership of this pattern?). When Joelle gets high she sees Bernini's Ecstasy of St. Teresa in the mirror. I wasn't sure what this looks like but I love you, internets: - Beginning of excellent phone conversation between brothers Hal and Orin Incandenza.