Back in the treatment centre after the long weekend and I think I've turned a corner - or I've gone soft in the head. I was full of 'gratitude' today. After struggling with cravings over the weekend, it's like the the blinkers have been lifted and my view is flooded with the light of hope and opportunity. Look! A heron! A couple having an amusing argument outside the cafe! Isn't the Isle of Dogs beautiful!
Sadly, not everyone has managed to push on through. Out of the ten of who were on the programme when I started, one has successfully 'graduated' after completing the full twelve weeks, one has left but continued to attend NA, and four have been discharged (ie. kicked out) following relapses.
This is the hardest and scariest part for me. I had grown close to some of these people and for the most part felt like they were doing well and putting the work in. The staff and others who have been around 'the system' for longer do not seem as surprised or upset as me. It's the territory: the thing that addicts and alcoholics are most likely to do is drink or take drugs.
Statistics vary, but I heard one estimate that the 'success' rate of rehabs (not quite sure what this means - maybe people who've still not used eg. a year later)* is around 8%. It is very low anyway. And my programme is supposed to be particularly effective in the longterm. But in the short term it has many casualties: Although it has the same zero tolerance / 100% abstinence policy as a residential centre, each night and weekend we are sent back into the real world.
And I know I know it's not like anyone has died. I am keeping in touch with some of the people who have left and are continuing to attempt sobriety.
But today another one of the peers didn't turn up and by the end of the day it became clear he had not phoned in with a legitimate excuse. We tried to call but he switched his phone off - not a good sign. He is probably my 'favourite' and I am hoping so hard that he's ok. It's really given a knock to my good mood.
- Two uniformed police officers turned up at the centre today and immediately most of the guys (I'm the only girl now) were sweating, reaching for their coats. Turns out they were just on a routine visit not about any individual - but this gave me a reminder of the kind of cats I'm hanging with these days.
- Just back from AA meeting where someone picked up his 30 year chip (he got sober in May 1981 - the month I was born), and another person - I could not figure out who - stank of alcohol.
*Research needed here
INFINITE JEST: Pages 489-504
- Mathematical 14-page description (including diagrams) of a traumatic childhood mattress moving incident. Funny and pleased my brain with its intricacy. "It occured to me that the movement of the knob perfectly schematized what it would be like for someone to try to turn somersaults with one hand nailed to the floor. This is how I first became interested in the possibilities of annulation*."
* 'The act or process of forming rings'. Other new words in this section: 'metastisate'
Was your favourite the one with the deodorant can in his trousers?
ReplyDeleteDo other people join your group as others drop out?
You are going to be in that 8% - I feel it in my bone marrow..!
Nah, Sure-pants somehow remains with us!
ReplyDeleteYep, new people come most weeks (although one of these has already gone...)